The Official Machinae Supremacy Forum

Forum Related => Salvaged Messages => Topic started by: Fallout on September 26, 2004, 06:19:42 pm

Title: A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 26, 2004, 06:19:42 pm
Hey, what do you guys think of this poem i just wrote?

Wound

Tears would flow freely from my eye,
Like blood from a wound, but I cant remember why.
Seems I have forgotten already,
From burying my head in my bedding.
It will scar. I know it will,
Because I will be emotionless, untill,
This deep, cavernous hole is filled.
Still strong, am i,
I thought as we vowed our last goodbyes.
Alas, not one tear did i shed,
Its not like i weeped and weeped and weeped in my bed.
For i am still strong, and strong i will remain,
Because the voices have finally shut up,
The ones inside my brain.
I will come back for more,
But this time I'll be stronger than before.



(Note, a reference to MaSu at the end :))

EDIT *reads through and realises its crap..*
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Boaz on September 26, 2004, 08:06:42 pm
im crying just reaidn it :'( :P well almost but not very nice very nice and the masy reference is mint  ;D
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on September 26, 2004, 08:08:05 pm
That is good. It's got feeling and all poetry should have that.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 26, 2004, 08:10:32 pm
Thanks :)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on September 26, 2004, 08:51:07 pm
eh, better than one i did in an english lesson a few weeks back, took a line straight out of winterstorm for it, great thing is no-one knew cept me :)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Trezker on September 26, 2004, 10:17:20 pm
Nice one.
Once enough of these poems come around we could have a Broken heart poems compo.
I have mine somewhere, have to upload it to me webshite someday.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on September 27, 2004, 12:12:39 am
I feel so... so... so angsty.

*opens a Deadjournal*
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Boaz on September 27, 2004, 01:20:46 am
 :o OMG! MAGICMAN IS BACK!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on September 27, 2004, 02:38:39 am
:o OMG! MAGICMAN IS BACK!!!!!!!!!
Magicman can't be back, because he never left.

He just took a parentally-caused hiatus. ;)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Boaz on September 27, 2004, 03:41:26 am
hmm wut did u do that caused this hiatus?
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: ddrdude13 on September 27, 2004, 04:10:47 am
...


Let's make this an official poetry thread!


Wait... shit I don't have my poems saved on here. Well, when my bro is done with CS, I'll post some! ^_^
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 27, 2004, 11:58:18 am
Poetry!?..

Yeah i think ill throw in my lyrics when i get home, its all poetry until you turn it into a song.. right?
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on September 27, 2004, 07:23:33 pm
:o OMG! MAGICMAN IS BACK!!!!!!!!!

quick, get the eye blinds!
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 27, 2004, 07:29:41 pm
O.o..

 i want MaSu to read my poem so i can see what they think :)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Bates on September 27, 2004, 09:03:01 pm
And when they're at it, they can make it a mp3. Imagine Robert reading your poem! It's art... enhanced!
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 27, 2004, 09:04:24 pm
Dude good idea, get them to turn it into a song... :D please MaSu, i'll do anythin :)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on September 27, 2004, 09:24:08 pm
never return and claim no credit whatsoever therefore being forgotten forever and just being another nameless person? ;D don't think you'd go that far somehow...
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Bates on September 27, 2004, 10:50:59 pm
We have proof that Fallout's the legitimate author. Unless someone deletes the post... *looks at band-admins*
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Gordon on September 27, 2004, 11:01:15 pm
O.o..

 i want MaSu to read my poem so i can see what they think :)

Well, I think it's very good.  :)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Valentine Revolution on September 27, 2004, 11:07:06 pm
Cool poem! A little angsty but then so are half of mine. The other half are bondage-related unsurprisingly  ::) I might dig some out and post em.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on September 27, 2004, 11:11:09 pm
I have a problem when I'm writing - usually stories. I get really well into a good story and then perversion hits me and the story is screwed because I can't write nicely anymore.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on September 27, 2004, 11:16:17 pm
hmm wut did u do that caused this hiatus?
I got suspended from school >_>

Valentine: w00t for bondage.

I'd post a poem of mine, but they all suck. So I'll wait 'til someone else posts one. :P
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Valentine Revolution on September 27, 2004, 11:19:07 pm
Here you are then, the only bondage one without swearing in it and made-up german sentences that are probably totally wrong but never mind.

Bestrafe Mich
-------------
Look.
Nature left wide open.
Here, taste it.
Let me kiss your blood-stained lips.
Angel-in-waiting.
There are marks of love where your wings should be.
Do you feel that liebe?
Are you scared of me now?
I want you to hate me.
This blade is all that we have.
Badges of want that symbolise us.
Breathe.
Fast and hot as your body takes over.
Hard and firm, it never says no.
I am perfection, I am in your dreams aren't I?
This is blinding, this is why I hurt you so.
White light that fills me where I need it most.
Ich bin das reiter,
Ich habe dich.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on September 27, 2004, 11:31:56 pm
Okay then... the first poem I ever wrote, ever.

And The Butterflies Came Round Full Circle To Attempt At Space Again

The butterflies attempted at space one day
All gossamer wings and shiny
They were met with resistance
And quickly perished
And the butterflies came round full circle to attempt at space again.

The butterflies organized a coalition
All cold hearted and horrible
They overcame their predators
And held the world in their arms
And the butterflies came round full circle to attempt at space again.

The butterflies revealed their hearts to you
You were taken in by their lies
They have spun their web and now you're caught
As did the spider to the fly
And the butterflies came round full circle to attempt at space again.

The roaches waged a jihad
A holy war against the pretty insects
Through mass media manipulation
The roaches were ruined beyond belief
And the butterflies came round full circle to attempt at space again.

The butterflies met with conflict
Not from outer, no, but inside
Their black hearts and spider thread
Served only to reveal the pure
And the butterflies came round full circle to attempt at space again.

The internal war raged
On and on for days
In the end they all shriveled
Leaving only one pure soul left
And the butterflies came round full circle to attempt at space again.

The roaches caught the soul
"Burn him" was the public outcry
They did so, not knowing of holiness
That elusive quality granted rarely
And the butterflies came round full circle to attempt at space again.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 28, 2004, 12:40:19 am
I want whatever drugs you were on when you wrote that  ;D
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Boaz on September 28, 2004, 01:08:47 am
wowo that must ahve been some amazing stuff! and wut does taht liats wto lines in valentines poem mean?
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Valentine Revolution on September 28, 2004, 01:12:50 am
I honestly can't remember. I think its something about riding, and I think the last line is 'I have you' or something along those lines.

Magicman: You never cease to amaze me.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Boaz on September 28, 2004, 01:15:43 am
Magicman: You never cease to amaze me.
i no eh im amazed we survived without his posting for X amount of days
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: ddrdude13 on September 28, 2004, 03:06:50 am
O.K. I'm back on the good PC. Here's one of my works:

Little Angel (go away...)

Chorus:

Little Angel go away...
Come again another day
The Devil has my intuition
And here I think I'm gonna stay

~end chorus~

For all of those who try to get me
My spell cannot be broken
For I have am no Little Angel you see
my name cannot be spoken

To me you all are merely peasants
And you I give a purpose.
Oppose me and it will surely be unpleasant
for I have all power over you.

~repeat chorus~

Weak and powerless?
I think not
Let me live in happiness
And give it no other thought

Life will always bring you down
And you're not really helping
You still have yet to make me frown
But I'll still send you back
To whence ye came.

Eternal Depression
It plagues me so
I just might die
You never know

The curse has me
In a lockdown/ a stand still
Only this Eternal Void
Can bend my will

I don't want you here
You damned evil Spirits
I live in constant fear
And I've shed many a tear.

Give me what’s mine
let me free
into the sands of time
the devil has entered me

Swallowed whole
Chewed up and spit out
You no longer have a role
You fight no more bouts.

Some of my lyrics. I'm ATTEMPTING to make it a song, but no dice. I'm not a skilled enough guitar player yet :-\
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Boaz on September 28, 2004, 03:52:03 am
so no rhythem? not to the beat of anyhting? NO TABS! i cont work nder these conditions :P
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Trezker on September 28, 2004, 09:46:21 am
My poem page is located here.
http://www.angelfire.com/art/dumlesoft/Thoughts.html

Story of liberation

My country of beauty, a wonder of grace,
with mountains, meadows and life at free pace.
Outside of this eden dark forces reside.
Our relics of freedom from evil we hide.

May the gods protect me from the poison of fear.
May they save my body from evil decay.
Let my spirit be free and my soul burn bright.
Let my will grow strong, be a will of might.

My kingdom despair, the evil is strong.
My people dream back to when things were not wrong.
When evil took root, it poisoned our minds.
We think we are weak, our strength evil blinds.

The prayers of freedom gather at last.
Our wills of steel hold hope in its grasp.
We spread the word of a rebel force.
Salvaged souls seek comfort in our cause.

The forces of evil now think they are safe.
Now fighting eachother it blows in their face.
Our forces of freedom see breaches in walls.
We regain the power and dark forces falls.

Our people wake up from dreams of the past.
Their pains in slavery could never last.
Our relics are freed, now freedom is here.
We recover quickly, no darkness we fear.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on September 28, 2004, 01:58:34 pm
i cant work nder these conditions :P

Neither  can i! I demand a drum machinae dample


Dum-di-di-dum-di-di-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum, doosh

There we go
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 28, 2004, 06:34:58 pm
interpret it how you can, experiment, try different tunes etc.. thats what being a musician is about - playing around til you get it right :)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Bates on September 28, 2004, 09:15:12 pm
We have lots of potential in here. Wouldn't it be great to start a machinae lyrics contest? Like they can use them if they want to?
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on September 28, 2004, 09:20:38 pm
A song about war:


BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

.....
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Bates on September 28, 2004, 09:28:15 pm
I honestly can't remember. I think its something about riding, and I think the last line is 'I have you' or something along those lines.

Or you could translate it 'I 0wn you'  ;D
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 28, 2004, 09:36:22 pm
A song about war:


BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

.....

SoAD?
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on September 28, 2004, 09:42:05 pm
No, it's from Blackadder! (the sitcom)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 28, 2004, 11:12:32 pm
ESCAPIA - by Chris Geehan (Angelblade.)

Falling up and climbing down,
This smile faded thrice and cometh do frowns,
So shoot me now, ill bleed and ill heal,
Fates rip and tear, broke is loves seal.
My tears are worn out, so what should i do..
Repeat this hell? In flames, wait for you?
I have a love, for you that is deep..
But this pain is so much, and on me it reeps.
Just leave me be now, ill stay lone for good,
I am world hater now, weak is the hopeful mood.

Ill take mountain highs and spend days a far,
Where pain and friend shells, nay leave deep mind scars.
So with sworn oath of one, ill surf clouds, fall undone,
And in end i shall seek, the pinicle, the peak..
Of what i know not and of evil it may be,
But of freedom thats true, longing yes, to be free.
Christ bears his children, his sins and our souls,
For us just to taint life, into depressing black holes,
Can i go now, tattoo life behind?
Stains on my back of times when i was blind.

Sirens are calling and ill follow their lead,
Wherever it may take me, away from this creed..
A clan that is hurting, what is true inside,
This pain i must release, new hope to confide.
Run away, run away, and spend new born hours,
On planets of tranquil, slept moons and stars,
Clouds not to roam here, just pale green skies..
A place i can call home, lay down and die.
I've reached my peak and tasted dirt,
It all plays out the same,
For heaven is for heroes, and cowards burn in flames
So god can i join you, leave earth with the blame..


I have alot more, lyrics is MY main way of releasing violent anger.. i avoid hitting stuff and hurting myself because i always regret it after.. and for ME its stupid, maybe for others its a good idea.. i dunno, im just posting.. ^_^
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Trezker on September 28, 2004, 11:25:47 pm
I used to walk around the house looking for things I could smash without consequenses when I was angry.
Now I've learned that it's no use looking for such things since I don't own any, instead I just sit down and feel the anger flow.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on September 28, 2004, 11:32:12 pm
Who's been so angry and fustrated that they've just burst into tears. (except from when you were a baby)

This was a while ago, I was about 14 or 15, but I was doing what Trezker said - looking around for something to break - then I stopped myself, sat on the bed and the anger just burst out and I cried for 30 minutes or so. It sdidn't help much, but at least it saved me from paying for something else I might've smashed.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Valentine Revolution on September 28, 2004, 11:36:32 pm
I always cry when I'm angry, but I rarely cry when I'm sad. I usually just take it out on myself. I've never broken anything though.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 28, 2004, 11:36:35 pm
ill admit that yeah ive been in situations over the last months not being about the forums that its come to a point i couldnt physically handle it nemore, and couldnt find the fulfillment high enuff for the anger inside.. so i just cried myself to sleep lol.. sounds lame. But then again, youd have to put yourself in my world to really appreciate that, i wouldnt have told you if it wasnt a big deal.. put it that way.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on September 28, 2004, 11:37:08 pm
Magicman: You never cease to amaze me.
What's that supposed to mean >_>

Quote
I want whatever drugs you were on when you wrote that
I don't do [color=330000]many[/color] drugs.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 28, 2004, 11:38:04 pm
i think it was a compliment magicman..

and what drugs DO you do? =)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on September 28, 2004, 11:38:35 pm
and what drugs DO you do? =)
Bah! Caught me before I edited it proper.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 28, 2004, 11:41:26 pm
*sniff*

nobody commented on my poem.. i feel pain inside..
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on September 28, 2004, 11:43:02 pm
I don't do [color=330000]many[/color] drugs.

LOL. Encryptic!
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Boaz on September 29, 2004, 12:21:17 am
magicmans gettign smarter!
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 29, 2004, 12:21:51 am
*sighsniff*
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Valentine Revolution on September 29, 2004, 12:27:35 am
I thought your poem was really good. A good rhythm to it.  I used to think I was good but you guys have all proven me wrong. Love posting my poetry though, not many people see it otherwise.

This one's about that guy I have a crush on. Sexiest. Guy. Ever!

Blood-stained Wings
-------------------

I hate you.
Envy your ignorance.
Didn't you notice I was climbing the walls?
Couldn't you tell my eyes were alight?
You're such a whore for them.
Nothing more than a quick-thrill pretty boy.
Did it never cross your mind?
Did you never seek to uncover my silence?
Deaf, blind and mute.
Thats the way you made me.
The way you stood smiling,
Knowing how beautiful you are.
Flaunt yourself for them.
Little girls are quick to please, quick to beg.
I could show you the beauty of blood.
That flash of fur and ache in your knees.
Don't you ever wonder if I know who you are?
Don't you even realise that I'm bound to you?
That you burn in my blood,
That you've stolen my memories and burned your image to my eyes?
If you dare speak then I'm yours to command.
I hate you.
Envy the way you're just
So.
Fucking.
Perfect.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 29, 2004, 12:30:27 am
Raw n hardkore :O i love it.

Way tuu rawk with the lyrical writinginging =)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on September 29, 2004, 12:42:32 am
Sorry MDX, I only just read your poem. It is real good, ney, brilliant. Very deep and dark. Nice.

Valentine, yours is cool too, but WHO is the guy?!!
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 29, 2004, 12:43:11 am
all your poems make mine inadequate.. i am not worthy!! :-\
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on September 29, 2004, 12:45:43 am
Heh, I just went back and read Trezker and MDX's. Awesome to the max. And they rhyme.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on September 29, 2004, 07:53:48 pm
*sniff*

nobody commented on my poem.. i feel pain inside..

fuckin awesome poem man, i wasn't here for most of yesterday so yeh, only now did i get to see it, and it rocks
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 29, 2004, 08:34:54 pm
*tear falls from eye*

Thanks =)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Fallout on September 29, 2004, 08:35:59 pm
yeah, its good i guess, but mine sux :p
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: MDX on September 29, 2004, 08:55:59 pm
different strokes for different blokes =)

Youres is g00d, keep at it and show meh m0reh! Sing about REM sleep!

You know enough it.. think i mite join you on that quest to get more REM sleep in my body clock.

(joins quest
a guest has joined
guest has changed name to MDX

  ..MDX has entered the quest.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on September 29, 2004, 09:25:05 pm
at 6:55 PM? tis not right
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Trezker on September 29, 2004, 09:32:42 pm
Valentine, ooh, the anger!
Me like


Thanks for the compliment BTW.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on October 01, 2004, 11:08:03 pm
[size=36]REVIVIFY[/size]

Ordinance of the Mind

Waving a lighter in front of my face
Looking behind my eyes
I pop another pill and swallow it down
It changes my expression into a grin

Suddenly the world explodes into color
A ping pong gumball machine
I see Santa Claus and spiders and Siegfried and Roy
What would Einstein think of me?

I talk to my id, chat with the ego
Hang out with the Nietzschean crowd
Exploring my subconscious
Never knowing what lays further
Thinking up ways to save the world

Hunger is gone, poverty abolished
To be in pain is illegal
All as the result of one red pill
The one marked "hallucinogen"

Then the trip goes bad,
The drug wears off
My mind crashes down around me
The walls shatter
Under machine gun fire
I might not make it out alive

Deep in my head
Out of it at the same time
Fighting a losing battle against myself
Trying to break out
Of this concentration camp
And when it all comes down to it

I'm just dodging mortar shells;
Ordinance of the mind.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 01, 2004, 11:09:41 pm
nice one!

ok i'll probably post my crappy effort up next week :)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 19, 2004, 07:56:56 pm
ooooooooooooooooooooo k!

decided to revive here as there may or may not be some more poems (and i get to double post ;D yeh all right!)

and also i just thought of one on the bus journey home, if it's crap, I blame the fact i was moving :P

Wrist Slitter, Attention Seeker

Those piecering eyes
Or the dagger-like hair
How differently she appears now!
How happy they were
Before betrayal set in
A long time before
Wirst Slitter
Attention Seeker

The one viewed with such awe
Turning out to be such a f***ing whore
How could he have known
So with little left to lose
Knife raised
Hand trembling
A thin line of blood from
Wrist Slitter

Oh what pain
He must have gone through
Vermillion hanging in the air
How could he cope?
Without any help?
Poor defencless little fool!
Wrist Slitter
Attention Seeker

Trying to stem the flow
The pathetic little wreck
How could he know?
What he had done
Life now flowing
Soon to end
Wrist Slitter
Attention Seeker....
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on October 19, 2004, 08:55:46 pm
Oooo :o

Harsh and dark. It's good.

And on a bus? Wow. I have defficulty concentrating on reading my Terry Pratchett on the bus. Mainly cos the roads are so crap I can't hold the book still :-\
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 19, 2004, 08:58:09 pm
Oooo :o

Harsh and dark. It's good.

And on a bus? Wow. I have defficulty concentrating on reading my Terry Pratchett on the bus. Mainly cos the roads are so crap I can't hold the book still :-\

on a bus home from school (how harsh and dark can you get?! plus it's normally around 30 mins late in the rain..and i had to do something to ignore my little sister annoying me ;D)

thanks for the complient Laser, it's appreicated
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 20, 2004, 07:14:00 pm
apolgies for the double post, i've just had a few more flashes of inspiration recently so again, it is a poetry thread, let's fill it!

2 more from me, one of them i had to do a sonnet in an English lesson about something that's happened to me (not a fun lesson) and the other i've had just now

first up: the English lesson

Scar Bearer[/u]

How tempting it was
The iron cord swinging dowen
The two year old child not knowing
How much pain about to be caused
Unbeknown to the scarbearer now
Oh what a scream!
Unleashed from the child
Now with a scarred left hand
Crying in pain, for such a time
With a permanent reminder
Of such foolishness
Perhaps it would dissuade
Such acts again
But for some reason, he goes on...

basically, i was stupid, i should've learned, but no ;D

and the other one, same kinda mood as my first

Shade[/u]

You're just a shadow of your former self
A good for nothing
A shade

No-one cares about your torture
Or unhappiness
No-one cares for you
Everyone hates your guts
Why can't you see?
Your futile attempts for happiness
And friendship
Are all amounting
To nothing?!

Just a shade,
No-one wants to know
No-one cares if you die
Just go
Crawl into a hole and die!

A shadow of a person
No-body cares
We all hate you,
Die!
A worthless shade
A useless piece of meat
Held together by fear

You fear us
You consider us above you
We should be touched
But you're worthless
Not even those considered rejects
Want you near them

A pathetic shadow
|Just a shade




EDIT: just made some spelling corrections
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on October 20, 2004, 10:02:04 pm
The first was is good. It's very dark and I can see the power - the quick sharp pain as punishment refered to in a much darker way.

But Shade is fantastic. I can feel the self-hatred. But it's seen from a onlookers perspective as if the onlooker despises the subjects self-hatred. Very very good. Best I've heard from you, probably my fav from this thread.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 20, 2004, 10:10:10 pm
The first was is good. It's very dark and I can see the power - the quick sharp pain as punishment refered to in a much darker way.

But Shade is fantastic. I can feel the self-hatred. But it's seen from a onlookers perspective as if the onlooker despises the subjects self-hatred. Very very good. Best I've heard from you, probably my fav from this thread.

wow thanks man! wasn't expecting that lol!

first is actually what happened, i know, i'm a stupid retard ;D

i really wasn't expecting such praise for Shade, just pent up anger and other repressed emotions flowing out i guess....who knows? (except me....and maybe a physciatrist)
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on October 20, 2004, 10:16:30 pm
i really wasn't expecting such praise for Shade, just pent up anger and other repressed emotions flowing out i guess....who knows? (except me....and maybe a physciatrist)

You've express that anger very well. To say it's flowing out it's very well ordered.

I like it because it's a modern style poem: it's not stuck in overall similies and metaphor, it's actually describing real feelings, still with the use of stanzas and similie but they're not followed as a rule.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on October 20, 2004, 10:23:28 pm
Heres a poem I wrote ages ago. It's just a bit of fun, but I never finished it.

Bob

Once upon a time
Or so the cliché goes
The mimsies were outgrabing
Alongside the borogroves

But this fact did not matter
To our young hero Bob
They were in another world
And our Bob had a job

His job was to go out hunting
For food for his family
For the McArthur’s were growing hungry
And would not get any tea

Our young lad took his sword
And with the blade went snicker-snack
However the sword was in fact a stick
And the only sound was ‘crack’

His father told him off
For breaking the only weapon they owned
‘What are you gonna do now?’ he asked
‘That stick wasn’t bought, but loaned’

So now our Bob had to go
And find another stick
It had to be 3 and a half feet long
And 2 inches thick

He walked and walked on through the woods
Tree-litter crinkling underfoot
His attention span was soon distracted
By an interestingly shaped nut

And there next to it was the perfect stick
Laying expectantly on the ground
But as he reached his hand out for it
He heard an eerie sound

EDIT: New stanza added:

It was the Jabberwock, my son
“Oh, what a surprise that is”
He spoke with such sarcasm
That the creature disappeared with a fizz
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 20, 2004, 10:25:01 pm
well i can't really not use stanza's, just one huge block of text does not (in most circumstances, some exceptions) a good poem make.

I view poem writing as a fun thing to do, i find something inspirational (or not so as in the case of scar-bearer)  and then go with it.

For some, bizzare and twisted reason, i believe i can sink, well i say sing, i mean attempt to sing along to the more gothic music i have stored on my pc (eg. Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, and Marilyn Manson AKA kid goth :P)and not sound like a plank, so i kinda, dunno half dream becoming a singer for a goth band i guess, seeing this as a mini stage for song writing? tbh, i have no idea, but all i know is that it's as fun as hell so why stop?
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on October 20, 2004, 10:30:18 pm
(I'm just looking thru my old floopy disks to see what I've got. Some are too awful to even post. What I am posting are those I deemed bearable:

Millennium Bug

That’s it
It’s done
And what’s happened?
Nothing
That’s what
What a waste of time

No asteroid collision
No man to mars space mission
No cleaner nuclear fission
Just everybody wishin’
There’s something better than this

So what’s
To come
In the future?
Nothing
It seems
Just another millennium

No new messiah leading
No 3rd World countries feeding
No G.M. crops re-seeding
Just everybody needing
Something better than this

There’s gotta be something better than this

So what
Have we
Learnt from the past?
No-one
Can seem
To remember_____

Chi-Ching

10 thousand pounds! That’s a lot of money.
But, what if she wins?
Just imagine. Wouldn’t it be funny
To get all those lovely things.

No, Nothing

No life left to live
No gifts left to give
No words left to say
No barriers left to stay
No interest left to care
No sights left to stare (at)
No bonds left still tied
No secrets left to hide
No items left to find
No thoughts left in my mind
No light left in the day
No friends left to play
No buildings left to stand
No earth left to land
No love left - me and you
No love left - it’s through
No things left to call, wall, stall, fall (over)
No, nothing left at all
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 20, 2004, 10:39:36 pm
Millenium Bug = niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!

4 years earlier and just wow! ;D it's a powerful poem, why hasn't mankind learnt from mistakes made in the past? why can't they see? another few years rolls on, nothing is new. I feel it still applies to day, good job Laser

Chi-Ching: I think you may have wanted to try and make this a limerick, adding one extra line may have given it something else, short and to the point tho, me likey

No nothing: what, it's the end of the world already?! ;D again, nice work, I feel it captures the despair of modern life, how there's nothing left in the world, it's either been contaminated or destroyed. Brilliant IMO, but just I feel Millennium just edges it, both are damn good

EDIT: just saw Bob: ........erm......what? I get where you're coming from for this one, not really the same sort of impact IMO, i think it'd probably be better off as a short story for small children, viewed like that, it's good, as i thought originally....yeh, don't really need to say more i think
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on October 20, 2004, 10:54:20 pm
Hehe, Bob's not supposed to mean anything. It's just a little laugh and a bit of a parody of The Jabberwock.

Chi-Ching was a sudden reaction to watching a woman win 10thousand on a TV quiz show.

No, Nothing, isn't about the end of the world. It's about pessimism. The title is No, each line starts with No. It's a reaction to my own negativity.

But Millennium Bug has grown on me since I first wrote it. I was thoroughly disappointed with the world when the millennium turned - nothing happened, not even disasters. And no one seemed interested that nothing had changed between centuries. Tha'ts why I like that Gorillaz song '19-2000': 2000 is just an extension of the 1990's
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 20, 2004, 10:59:28 pm
No, Nothing, isn't about the end of the world. It's about pessimism. The title is No, each line starts with No. It's a reaction to my own negativity.

ok so i'm a idiot shoot me ;D (j/k, i've grown attached to my life) each line starting with no, it does instantly project a negative feel, no there's nothing, no gifts left to give, no etc etc, it rocks....even after i managed to mis-diagnose it
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on October 20, 2004, 11:57:52 pm
I seriously did'nt expect praise. I don't consider myself a poet at all. I just had a period of attempts around 2000. But your poem Shade, is what I call a real poem. It looks very professional, really.
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 21, 2004, 12:02:40 am
I seriously did'nt expect praise. I don't consider myself a poet at all. I just had a period of attempts around 2000. But your poem Shade, is what I call a real poem. It looks very professional, really.

I didn't expect Shade to be called a real poem!

seems it's a tale of the unexpected (load the shotgun, just for the cheap pun). I really didn't think Shade would get that much praise (sure only from one person but i'm not fussy ;)) but.....hell...I mean,a real poem, looks very professional...i don't get it! I mean how? Again it was just something that popped into my head in the day....oh well, to quote Manson (the one for kid goths :P)

Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I, to disagree?
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Valentine Revolution on October 21, 2004, 12:05:30 am
I have to say that every single person who's posted in this thread is fucking amazing. Kudos!
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Laser.T on October 21, 2004, 12:07:49 am
I noticed it's only me and you responding to each other. I wonder if everybody else is coming on and saying: "God, they're shit" but kind enough not to post a message saying: "They're all shit, especially Laser's"
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: Smeagol on October 21, 2004, 12:14:35 am
I noticed it's only me and you responding to each other. I wonder if everybody else is coming on and saying: "God, they're shit" but kind enough not to post a message saying: "They're all shit, especially Laser's"

For some reason....i don't doubt that logic

Person X looks at thread....

'Oooo many poems to read.... yeah....er,,,,passable.....oh dear god, Shitville!. 3 by Smeagol!!!!!!!111111111 crap, crap, insanely crap. Laser poems, should be better.... :o, maybe not'

Person X posts 'Great poems! ;D I liked a lot'

Welcome to the real world, Mr. Anderson
Title: Re:A poem i wrote..
Post by: L'homme magique on October 21, 2004, 01:44:45 am
I noticed it's only me and you responding to each other. I wonder if everybody else is coming on and saying: "God, they're shit" but kind enough not to post a message saying: "They're all shit, especially Laser's"
Naw, I'm just so self-absorbed I read my own over and over again ;D