Author Topic: A poem i wrote..  (Read 13818 times)

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Offline Trezker

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #60 on: September 29, 2004, 09:32:42 pm »
Valentine, ooh, the anger!
Me like


Thanks for the compliment BTW.

You have the power of TIME ON YOUR HANDS. -Laser
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Offline L'homme magique

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #61 on: October 01, 2004, 11:08:03 pm »
[size=36]REVIVIFY[/size]

Ordinance of the Mind

Waving a lighter in front of my face
Looking behind my eyes
I pop another pill and swallow it down
It changes my expression into a grin

Suddenly the world explodes into color
A ping pong gumball machine
I see Santa Claus and spiders and Siegfried and Roy
What would Einstein think of me?

I talk to my id, chat with the ego
Hang out with the Nietzschean crowd
Exploring my subconscious
Never knowing what lays further
Thinking up ways to save the world

Hunger is gone, poverty abolished
To be in pain is illegal
All as the result of one red pill
The one marked "hallucinogen"

Then the trip goes bad,
The drug wears off
My mind crashes down around me
The walls shatter
Under machine gun fire
I might not make it out alive

Deep in my head
Out of it at the same time
Fighting a losing battle against myself
Trying to break out
Of this concentration camp
And when it all comes down to it

I'm just dodging mortar shells;
Ordinance of the mind.
"It's like growing up reading good books or listening to good music. One good sofa breeds another good sofa; one bad sofa breeds another bad sofa. That's how it goes."

Smeagol

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #62 on: October 01, 2004, 11:09:41 pm »
nice one!

ok i'll probably post my crappy effort up next week :)

Smeagol

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #63 on: October 19, 2004, 07:56:56 pm »
ooooooooooooooooooooo k!

decided to revive here as there may or may not be some more poems (and i get to double post ;D yeh all right!)

and also i just thought of one on the bus journey home, if it's crap, I blame the fact i was moving :P

Wrist Slitter, Attention Seeker

Those piecering eyes
Or the dagger-like hair
How differently she appears now!
How happy they were
Before betrayal set in
A long time before
Wirst Slitter
Attention Seeker

The one viewed with such awe
Turning out to be such a f***ing whore
How could he have known
So with little left to lose
Knife raised
Hand trembling
A thin line of blood from
Wrist Slitter

Oh what pain
He must have gone through
Vermillion hanging in the air
How could he cope?
Without any help?
Poor defencless little fool!
Wrist Slitter
Attention Seeker

Trying to stem the flow
The pathetic little wreck
How could he know?
What he had done
Life now flowing
Soon to end
Wrist Slitter
Attention Seeker....

Offline Laser.T

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #64 on: October 19, 2004, 08:55:46 pm »
Oooo :o

Harsh and dark. It's good.

And on a bus? Wow. I have defficulty concentrating on reading my Terry Pratchett on the bus. Mainly cos the roads are so crap I can't hold the book still :-\

Smeagol

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #65 on: October 19, 2004, 08:58:09 pm »
Oooo :o

Harsh and dark. It's good.

And on a bus? Wow. I have defficulty concentrating on reading my Terry Pratchett on the bus. Mainly cos the roads are so crap I can't hold the book still :-\

on a bus home from school (how harsh and dark can you get?! plus it's normally around 30 mins late in the rain..and i had to do something to ignore my little sister annoying me ;D)

thanks for the complient Laser, it's appreicated

Smeagol

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #66 on: October 20, 2004, 07:14:00 pm »
apolgies for the double post, i've just had a few more flashes of inspiration recently so again, it is a poetry thread, let's fill it!

2 more from me, one of them i had to do a sonnet in an English lesson about something that's happened to me (not a fun lesson) and the other i've had just now

first up: the English lesson

Scar Bearer[/u]

How tempting it was
The iron cord swinging dowen
The two year old child not knowing
How much pain about to be caused
Unbeknown to the scarbearer now
Oh what a scream!
Unleashed from the child
Now with a scarred left hand
Crying in pain, for such a time
With a permanent reminder
Of such foolishness
Perhaps it would dissuade
Such acts again
But for some reason, he goes on...

basically, i was stupid, i should've learned, but no ;D

and the other one, same kinda mood as my first

Shade[/u]

You're just a shadow of your former self
A good for nothing
A shade

No-one cares about your torture
Or unhappiness
No-one cares for you
Everyone hates your guts
Why can't you see?
Your futile attempts for happiness
And friendship
Are all amounting
To nothing?!

Just a shade,
No-one wants to know
No-one cares if you die
Just go
Crawl into a hole and die!

A shadow of a person
No-body cares
We all hate you,
Die!
A worthless shade
A useless piece of meat
Held together by fear

You fear us
You consider us above you
We should be touched
But you're worthless
Not even those considered rejects
Want you near them

A pathetic shadow
|Just a shade




EDIT: just made some spelling corrections
« Last Edit: October 20, 2004, 08:35:51 pm by Smeagol »

Offline Laser.T

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #67 on: October 20, 2004, 10:02:04 pm »
The first was is good. It's very dark and I can see the power - the quick sharp pain as punishment refered to in a much darker way.

But Shade is fantastic. I can feel the self-hatred. But it's seen from a onlookers perspective as if the onlooker despises the subjects self-hatred. Very very good. Best I've heard from you, probably my fav from this thread.

Smeagol

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #68 on: October 20, 2004, 10:10:10 pm »
The first was is good. It's very dark and I can see the power - the quick sharp pain as punishment refered to in a much darker way.

But Shade is fantastic. I can feel the self-hatred. But it's seen from a onlookers perspective as if the onlooker despises the subjects self-hatred. Very very good. Best I've heard from you, probably my fav from this thread.

wow thanks man! wasn't expecting that lol!

first is actually what happened, i know, i'm a stupid retard ;D

i really wasn't expecting such praise for Shade, just pent up anger and other repressed emotions flowing out i guess....who knows? (except me....and maybe a physciatrist)

Offline Laser.T

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #69 on: October 20, 2004, 10:16:30 pm »
i really wasn't expecting such praise for Shade, just pent up anger and other repressed emotions flowing out i guess....who knows? (except me....and maybe a physciatrist)

You've express that anger very well. To say it's flowing out it's very well ordered.

I like it because it's a modern style poem: it's not stuck in overall similies and metaphor, it's actually describing real feelings, still with the use of stanzas and similie but they're not followed as a rule.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2004, 10:17:38 pm by Laser »

Offline Laser.T

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #70 on: October 20, 2004, 10:23:28 pm »
Heres a poem I wrote ages ago. It's just a bit of fun, but I never finished it.

Bob

Once upon a time
Or so the cliché goes
The mimsies were outgrabing
Alongside the borogroves

But this fact did not matter
To our young hero Bob
They were in another world
And our Bob had a job

His job was to go out hunting
For food for his family
For the McArthur’s were growing hungry
And would not get any tea

Our young lad took his sword
And with the blade went snicker-snack
However the sword was in fact a stick
And the only sound was ‘crack’

His father told him off
For breaking the only weapon they owned
‘What are you gonna do now?’ he asked
‘That stick wasn’t bought, but loaned’

So now our Bob had to go
And find another stick
It had to be 3 and a half feet long
And 2 inches thick

He walked and walked on through the woods
Tree-litter crinkling underfoot
His attention span was soon distracted
By an interestingly shaped nut

And there next to it was the perfect stick
Laying expectantly on the ground
But as he reached his hand out for it
He heard an eerie sound

EDIT: New stanza added:

It was the Jabberwock, my son
“Oh, what a surprise that is”
He spoke with such sarcasm
That the creature disappeared with a fizz
« Last Edit: October 20, 2004, 10:34:12 pm by Laser »

Smeagol

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #71 on: October 20, 2004, 10:25:01 pm »
well i can't really not use stanza's, just one huge block of text does not (in most circumstances, some exceptions) a good poem make.

I view poem writing as a fun thing to do, i find something inspirational (or not so as in the case of scar-bearer)  and then go with it.

For some, bizzare and twisted reason, i believe i can sink, well i say sing, i mean attempt to sing along to the more gothic music i have stored on my pc (eg. Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, and Marilyn Manson AKA kid goth :P)and not sound like a plank, so i kinda, dunno half dream becoming a singer for a goth band i guess, seeing this as a mini stage for song writing? tbh, i have no idea, but all i know is that it's as fun as hell so why stop?

Offline Laser.T

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #72 on: October 20, 2004, 10:30:18 pm »
(I'm just looking thru my old floopy disks to see what I've got. Some are too awful to even post. What I am posting are those I deemed bearable:

Millennium Bug

That’s it
It’s done
And what’s happened?
Nothing
That’s what
What a waste of time

No asteroid collision
No man to mars space mission
No cleaner nuclear fission
Just everybody wishin’
There’s something better than this

So what’s
To come
In the future?
Nothing
It seems
Just another millennium

No new messiah leading
No 3rd World countries feeding
No G.M. crops re-seeding
Just everybody needing
Something better than this

There’s gotta be something better than this

So what
Have we
Learnt from the past?
No-one
Can seem
To remember_____

Chi-Ching

10 thousand pounds! That’s a lot of money.
But, what if she wins?
Just imagine. Wouldn’t it be funny
To get all those lovely things.

No, Nothing

No life left to live
No gifts left to give
No words left to say
No barriers left to stay
No interest left to care
No sights left to stare (at)
No bonds left still tied
No secrets left to hide
No items left to find
No thoughts left in my mind
No light left in the day
No friends left to play
No buildings left to stand
No earth left to land
No love left - me and you
No love left - it’s through
No things left to call, wall, stall, fall (over)
No, nothing left at all

Smeagol

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #73 on: October 20, 2004, 10:39:36 pm »
Millenium Bug = niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!

4 years earlier and just wow! ;D it's a powerful poem, why hasn't mankind learnt from mistakes made in the past? why can't they see? another few years rolls on, nothing is new. I feel it still applies to day, good job Laser

Chi-Ching: I think you may have wanted to try and make this a limerick, adding one extra line may have given it something else, short and to the point tho, me likey

No nothing: what, it's the end of the world already?! ;D again, nice work, I feel it captures the despair of modern life, how there's nothing left in the world, it's either been contaminated or destroyed. Brilliant IMO, but just I feel Millennium just edges it, both are damn good

EDIT: just saw Bob: ........erm......what? I get where you're coming from for this one, not really the same sort of impact IMO, i think it'd probably be better off as a short story for small children, viewed like that, it's good, as i thought originally....yeh, don't really need to say more i think
« Last Edit: October 20, 2004, 10:44:12 pm by Smeagol »

Offline Laser.T

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Re:A poem i wrote..
« Reply #74 on: October 20, 2004, 10:54:20 pm »
Hehe, Bob's not supposed to mean anything. It's just a little laugh and a bit of a parody of The Jabberwock.

Chi-Ching was a sudden reaction to watching a woman win 10thousand on a TV quiz show.

No, Nothing, isn't about the end of the world. It's about pessimism. The title is No, each line starts with No. It's a reaction to my own negativity.

But Millennium Bug has grown on me since I first wrote it. I was thoroughly disappointed with the world when the millennium turned - nothing happened, not even disasters. And no one seemed interested that nothing had changed between centuries. Tha'ts why I like that Gorillaz song '19-2000': 2000 is just an extension of the 1990's